New Year, Same Me

Here's to not trying to become someone new in 2019. I'm going to be the same me, though I'll use the general feeling of fresh starts in the air as motivation to recommit to being myself. I'll also remember that every day is a new day and I am a work in progress (always).

I started this blog nine years ago, and it has seen so many seasons of my life. Times when I blogged daily and times when I needed a break from the online world, when I was a social worker, teacher, nanny, and all the weird transitions in between. I'm excited to take it with me in this next chapter as I continue to play around here. Thanks for following along.

1.8.18

Eight years blogging has meant wildly different things in each year: travel journal, cookbook, confessional, poem diary, photo album, review site, scrapbook...what I appreciate most about this space is its adaptability. Cheers, As The Romans Do, and here's to another year of failing big and following curiosities.

Getting Some Headspace

My Lenten challenge this year (and always): mindfulness. This space is filled with posts about ways I've attempted, sought out, and reached mindfulness in different areas of my life, but it's a lifetime challenge and something I need specifically in this season (The Going Back to School, Planning a Wedding, and Finding a Job All at the Same Damn Time Season).

Mindfulness is at the front of my brain right now partially because I'm co-teaching a class on it - aka, two qualified volunteers are teaching mindfulness and I'm making sure the kids aren't giggling with their friends or throwing paper airplanes while they're supposed to be meditating. If we adults think sitting silently and letting our thoughts wander is difficult, middle schoolers find it absolutely terrifying. When we plan each lesson, we think of how it would feel to be a kid doing each activity - our classroom is a no judgment zone, but we still don't want to do anything to make anyone anxious or embarrassed.

Outside of school/work, I've also started listening to an audiobook on mindfulness, Get Some Headspace by Andy Puddicombe. Some of you may have heard of his free app, Headspace, which I'm also sort of trying out, but I want to finish the book first - and I've found that even listening to an audiobook for ten minutes at a time is challenging. Listening without some sort of visual aid doesn't come easily to me, but it's a skill I want to develop and audiobooks or guided meditations seem like the best way to practice.

If anyone has any other tips or tricks to just being without thinking, I'm all ears. Until then, I'll learn by doing - day-by-day and about 10 minutes at a time.

First Friday

One day shy of our first full week of 2017, and this blog post sums up how I am feeling about this space specifically. (I don't generally question the point of my day job, something I'm grateful for & challenged by in other ways.) As The Romans Do is 7 years old, and has adapted in those years from online journal to scrapbook to something like a security blanket - comfortable and always there. But what is the point of it, really?

I think the answer, for me, is sanity. If my personal (offline) journal is my place for anything and everything, including the crazy (without judgement), then this space is for edited-but-authentic thoughts and entertainment. I can't save the world with my keyboard, but I can make it more tolerable for myself and anyone else who wants to join in.

We'll call this my intention for 2017 - writing that is kind, honest, and thoughtful.

12.31.16

It's now officially New Year's Eve night. I'm ready to say adios to 2016 (after a few choice beverages and several playings of DJ Earworm's recent mashups) and hola 2017 (which has potential to be a busy, challenging, rewarding, momentous year). Cheers!



Extra: a look back at past years: 12.31.15 & 12.31.14

The Antidote

The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking by Oliver Burkeman
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

The subtitle says it all: "Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking"...this is a self-help book that subverts the ooey gooey "if you can believe it, you can achieve it" messages.

First thoughts: Yes. This book is for me. I struggle with goals - setting them, sticking to them, believing in them. It's especially challenging as a person who loves committing to, well, challenges. I've done happiness challenges for several years, and while I learned a lot, I can't say I'm any more (or less) "happy" than I was without the challenges.

What about Happiness?: We crave happiness, but we aren't very good at achieving it - despite all of our trying with education, money, more stuff, self-help books, etc...we're still not quite happy. Some of us, yes, but not as a whole. What gives?

A quote: "There are good reasons to believe that the whole notion of 'seeking happiness' is flawed to begin with. For one thing, who says happiness is a valid goal in the first place?" -p6

Okay...so what are our options?: In the face of the paradox of happiness, we can continue to pursue futile solutions, give up, OR take the "negative path" to "happiness" - that is, we can "enjoy uncertainty, embrace insecurity, and value death." -p7-8

More about these Negative Paths:

Stoicism: tranquility through calm indifference of circumstances - examine negative emotions and experiences and decide to be tranquil.
Buddhism: non-attachment to positive and/or negative thoughts - don't cling to or avoid anything.
Insecurity: it's not something to confront - recognize that life is insecurity.
Failure: stretching past your current limit - it's a good thing.

"To fully embrace the experience of failure, not merely to tolerate it as a stepping stone to success, is to abandon this constant straining never to put a foot wrong. It is to relax." -p173

Goals: stop pushing things to 5yrs in the future - enjoy your work in the present.

"...goal-free living simply makes for happier humans." -p95

Goals, continued: The goal chapter was my favorite - I am constantly changing my "goals" and letting them adapt to where I am at the moment. I've learned to be flexible in the path I take to an objective and in changing the objective itself. It's much easier to take action based on who I am right now instead of "where I see myself in 5 years" - 5 years ago I did not see myself a) engaged, b) applying to grad school, c) finishing up a teaching fellowship...and yet here I am, happy as a clam that these things are all true.

Recommended for: everyone. Unless you've already figured all this out, and even then, still read this to affirm your decisions to fail big, pursue your curiosities, and live in composed insecurity.

Final thoughts in a quote: "You can have a broad sense of direction without a specific goal or a precise vision of the future. I think of it like jazz, like improvisation. It's all about meandering with purpose." -Steve Shapiro, p96

View all my reviews

Friday Night Links 37

Much like 2016, my "goals" for 2017 aren't what most people would deem "SMART" - they're not so much a culmination of specific tasks I can cross off while on my way to a grand conclusion as they are feelings I want to feel this coming year (mostly healthy and content). I've essentially given up on goals, because (in their most popular and oft-advertised form) they don't work how they should.

Here's the evidence, and different ways of thinking about accomplishments:

First, this article on "staying happy" when things are not going well. I'll have more to say about Burkeman's book tomorrow, but this article is a nice intro to the idea of positivity in the face of negative news: "Paradoxically, it’s through taking action, despite not feeling happy about the situation, that a deeper kind of happiness can arise."

The above leads nicely into this manifesto, a re-imagining of the news from the stable and positive side and a reminder that most humans are good (normal, boring) people.

Same message, put a little more bluntly: "The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience." Pursuing things - goals, happiness, whatever - simply highlights the fact that you don't have those things. Sometimes you "get happy" by giving up and living with the struggle. [Warning: adult language ahead.]

This information is all great if you have a direction you want to struggle in, but for all of us with a "passionless unknown," here are three simple steps to keep going until we stumble upon it...

...and permission - encouragement even - to not love what you do.

Another echo of the same message: "I just worked at whatever I was working on and ended up wherever I am. I continue to approach work and life that same way today."

Followers of this blog know what's coming next...my favorite Elizabeth Gilbert video, the final word on how to think about goals/passions/life choices (it's my top bookmark, y'all):

28

Here we are again, another year older and wiser. It's interesting to me to look back and see what I wanted for myself in the past year - and to see how it came about - and I also like to look forward and imagine what shape next year might take.

When I turned 27 I wanted to:

Embrace new friendships & Cultivate old friendships: I can now add some of those "new friendships" into the cultivation category.

Reach out to potential mentors: I'm still figuring out my Fellowship experience, which means leaning heavily on work mentors and Fellowship alums - especially in my second year! I'm happy to say I have a handful of people to call on when I have professional (and personal) questions.
Create a home: One year and several apartment arrangements later...this place feels like home (and also a work in progress). We also now have a tree.

What do I want for 28? More of the same. 27 was a good year, so instead of giving myself specific goals I'm gonna stick with my most recent guiding philosophy:

Follow your (my) curiosities.

I've never been great at goal-setting (or answering the dreaded "Where do you see yourself in five years?" question), so this mantra feels more genuine. I prefer to choose a direction rather than a goal, and "adjust accordingly" as I go. Even the goals I do set for myself are open-ended, more like guidelines or "intentions," (that's the tag I use on here for more traditional "goal" lists). 

I agree with Jason Fried, who says, "I just worked at whatever I was working on and ended up wherever I am. I continue to approach work and life that same way today." For me that sounds like graduating college, then moving to Chicago. Working in a group home, then nannying. Now I'm teaching middle schoolers and coordinating volunteers. Next year? We'll see when we see.

Struggles --> Successes

Things have been up/down/all around at work. I think it's normal for teachers to feel in a slump at the halfway point of the year - at least I hope it is. Kids are restless, winter's far from over, and that fresh feeling of a new school year is long gone. Now is the time for a mantra. Especially this week, with Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent, I'm keeping one question at the front of my mind:

What am I willing to struggle for?

This isn't a concept I've created - I read it here, and have since seen it circling around online - but it hits home for me. Instead of asking myself what I want out of life, I want to start asking specifically what struggle I want in my life. Because life is a struggle - and happiness comes from choosing your battles wisely. I've tried my hardest to let go of things I don't necessarily care about, deciding instead to struggle for the things I truly want.

This Lenten season, that means choosing the pains of grocery shopping and meal prep and planning because I want my happiness to be cooking my own meals (and feeding others). I'll sacrifice some TV time to focus more on things I value more: reading and sleeping and journaling. I would rather be active and have solo time, so braving the cold and taking time out of my day to go for walks (until biking season returns) will be my grind.

I'm looking forward to six weeks (and then a lifetime) of struggling.

12.31.15

Love, Joy, Family = what I made my 2015 all about. It was also all about growth and movement, transition and adjustment. And humility - finding love, joy, and family in the small things. In weekend dinners and movies (and conversations held over movies), in grocery trips and routines of living with my forever roommate, in free museum dates and finding new restaurants and trips to visit family.

I don't want 2016 to be that different from 2015.

I want to settle into my (our) apartment and make it home. I want to buy less and experience more. I want to keep establishing routines, celebrating traditions, and making memories.

27

Barack Obama turned 54 today. I turned 27. I won't be the president in another 27 years, but in the next year I do hope to accomplish a few things.

First, let's see if I reached my goals for 26:

Cultivate my life uniform: I'm really proud of my accomplishments in this. I buy wayyyy fewer things, and what I do "fits" who I am, in both body type and style. I stumble here and there (sundresses are my kryptonite), but I feel like my wardrobe is finally representing who I am, not just what's on sale at Target.
Be socially just, especially regarding food: Still a work in progress. My charitable giving this year basically all went to the Chicago Food Depository (being more charitable was a goal two years ago), and I try to buy as local as I can while also eating healthy. Luckily for me, Aldi is all about local farmers aaaaand they have a few "happy meat" options.

Find new employment. Acquire health insurance. Learn about 401ks: YES! I did all three of these, except instead of a 401k I have a 403b, the nonprofit version of a retirement plan. Who knew these little things would make a lady so happy? I smiled with glee while filling out pages and pages of (online) paperwork.

Keep dreaming. Keep balanced. Keep true to myself. I'd say this was a stellar year of personal growth. Without tooting my horn too much, I'm more confident in who I am (and who I'm not) than I ever remember being.

And my 27 list, the things I want for my life in the next year:

Embrace new friendships: Starting a new job means having lots of new coworkers. I plan on being intentional about building community with both my Campus Team and the Chicago Regional Team.

Cultivate old friendships: I spent a lot of time catching up with friends over the summer/before starting my new job. I hope to continue that tradition as the school year begins. Definitely a challenge!

Reach out to potential mentors: I've always wanted a mentor, but I forget sometimes that I need to be proactive and ask for them. As a Teaching Fellow I'll be in contact with lots of teachers, administrators, and education professionals, all potential guides for me as I figure out where I want my Fellowship to take me.
Create a home: I'm living with my forever roommate, which means blending our possessions and compromising our interior designs. I am so excited to turn our first apartment together into a home we can fondly remember as the place where we created our own culture as a couple. 

Summer 2015

While summer's been unofficially here since the end of May, this weekend brought the official/calendar beginning of summer. And here is my official/not serious list of summer activities to partake in and moments to enjoy:

• Read
• Beach
• Bike...for fun
• Drink coffee
• See fireworks
• Eat/drink on a patio
• Farmer's Market
• Take walks
• Slow down

I intentionally didn't list any concrete activities with dates - over-planning stresses me out and can get overwhelming, especially considering Chicago has a new festival every weekend. Let's just say there are plenty of options for me to choose from when it comes to committing to something. Plussss I left out a few (exciting) for-sure things that I know I'll be doing this summer because they are nonnegotiable (and things I won't forget to do, so I don't need a list to remember them).

I like this small, manageable list of things that mostly come natural, but can get forgotten amidst all the festivals, shows, concerts, and flashy events. And I'm excited to soak up this summer!

MARCHing to the Beat of My Own Drum

One thing I (re)learned this month: be myself. For a while I wasn't really into being myself, because my self was bored/boring, stuck, and unsure of what to do next. I wanted to be comfortable in my own skin, engaging, and self-aware. I also wanted to please everyone...and those things don't mix. I realized I can't be everything to everyone and be a genuine person.

So, authenticity it is. If I surround myself with people who like me, who challenge me to be a better me (not a better idea of what they want me to be), and who support me and build me up, then what else can I offer them but just me.

Moral of the story: I know that not everyone I interact with will like me. That's okay; I like me.

[End of personal rant and self pep talk...back to regularly scheduled posts - poems!! - tomorrow...er...in four minutes.]

Returning to Dust

I'm not quite sure how to put this year's Ash Wednesday thoughts into words. Right now my brain is foggy (from not enough and too much sleep, from negative temperatures, from all the running around it does daily and nightly), so I'm mostly thinking in images and phrases. (One of the images might be a glass of wine.) Anyways, here goes:

At the risk of making Lent (a season for giving up self-centered actions) all about me, I'm doing some introspective meditation in the next 46 days. Self-reflection is something I do often, but it never hurts to make it intentional. It also doesn't hurt to have a guide, which is why I plan on using She Reads Truth to focus my devotional energies. Today's reading and accompanying article couldn't have hit closer to feelings I've had during this time of quiet and solitude that is Lent (and the slow/gray trudging along of winter).

I'm also feeling the sentiments in this piece, which basically reminds me I'm not and won't ever be the most successful or most popular person in the world, but that's okay. Good even. Because I, Rachel, am not defined by my successes, or how well-liked I am, or my possessions. I am defined by myself: I am a human, worthy of love.

Friday Night Links 13

Here we are, at the last Friday of January. How are your resolutions holding up? Mine are still a challenge, but a good challenge.

Maybe you want to work on your budgeting and financial skills--it would help to be part of The Cheapest Generation. (This article also describes what it means to "invest" in yourself, another solid resolution.)

Did you resolve to exercise more? Here's Emily McDowell's answer to that.

If you planned to keep up with housework, but find yourself at odds with never-ending chores, don't blame your lack of resolve. It's The LEGO Principle.

Are you still not sure what you want to improve in 2015? Let me suggest reading. (Of course.)

We all felt fresh at the beginning of the year, but February through December can get long and even the best intentions might fall by the side somewhere along the way. Just remember every day is another chance to start anew, and that "there is joy to be found in the process." That's where change and growth really happen.

Best of luck!

My January Poem

If I want to stay creative, I have to create. Without really committing to it, I'm committing to posting at least one poem each month on here. I can write more than one, but I'd like to have at least one that I share. 

January is both conducive and restrictive when it comes to poem writing. Life is ripe with metaphors--things are fresh and new and positive--it's all a little overwhelming. This mood is kinda perfect for poetry, if there's time after all the resolution-keeping. Which is why I made poetry one of my life intentions in 2015. Make it a priority, make it happen.

Quiescence (or Discernment)

When you start reading medical journals for "research,"

that's when you wonder how you got to where you are now.

Where you are isn't bad, but it is unexpected, like every

twist and turn your life has made:

a series of switchbacks on a mountain,

all leading to the top,

taking the longest (and most logical, in hindsight) path.

Recently, the twists and turns have straightened themselves out.

Your life hums along, the same yesterday as tomorrow;

for once you have a chance to settle in and enjoy the view.

You’re not at the top yet, just a plateau. For now.

You like to play a game called "Did You Ever Think?"

It involves asking yourself periodically,

"Did you ever think a year ago you'd be where you are today?"

The answer's always "No."

(For now.)

In 2015...

I will dance more.
I will forgive myself.
I will laugh without constraint.
I will follow my curiosity.

12.31.14

I won't be posting any end of the year wrap-ups or resolutions today. Instead, I'm gonna live in the last few moments of 2014 and take the time to enjoy them, without expectation or anticipation for what comes next.

My plan is to be back tomorrow with a more formal New Year's Day post and a few thoughts about what I want for my life in the next year, but we'll see how the day goes first. No promises.

Then, hopefully over the weekend, I want to go through my Happiness/Wholeness Jar (remember that?) and use that as a 2014 wrap-up. I have no idea what I'll find in there, what themes and patterns will emerge, or if the whole thing will end up being a little lame, but I finished it! And that's one of my bigger accomplishments of the year, so I'm gonna celebrate it.

What else...I hope everyone has a safe and fun NYE, surrounded by friends and lovers. Ciao, 2014!

NaBloPoMo

Since I made it to Day Five, I'm going to make this public: I'm participating in NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month). You may have heard of its larger/more popular cousin, NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), which I aspire to/have thought about, but I'm not trying to write a novel in thirty days right now. Instead, I plan on blogging for thirty days. I've done monthly challenges before, but always with a theme. This time I'm following my curiosities and posting regular content daily.

I'm doing this because:
I love this blog. It's my baby (my almost 6-yr old baby).
I love having this online journal/scrapbook/reference for my life. Just this past weekend I used my blog to look up the repair video I used to fix my washing machine last year, and I frequently check it to see when I watched a movie/read a book or what I did for certain holidays. While I could also document these things in a personal journal (which I do), the truth is it's just easier to search for things online.
Beyond loving it for myself, this blog is my resume and portfolio. Want to see what I've done for the past six years? It's all here. Need a few writing samples? Help yourself!
My writing improves when I stretch myself. I've written some neat poems during April. I've published original stories and nonfiction posts thanks to outside prompts.
Having an audience holds me accountable and keeps me honest. I would do this just for myself, but knowing this is all public adds another layer to my writing and makes me think about what I write/post--my personal journal is unfiltered/unedited.
I might learn a thing or two about a thing or two. Who knows? I might make it to November 30th with just writing fatigue and a few strange posts, but I'm pretty sure I'll also come away with a sense of accomplishment.

As always, thanks for reading & come back soon! (Like tomorrow, when I post again.)

Moment to Moment

[I was going to post a movie review yesterday, but something else--these thoughts--came up. Reviews can wait. Also, I'm still processing some of these thoughts, but I think the most important part is to get words outside of my brain so they can exist in the open air. Bear with me while I process online/in public. That's the boiled-down and historically-accurate essence of a blog.]

So. Today is October and I hate October. Not October itself, and not even what it stands for--I've come to appreciate Halloween, I enjoy scary movies, and I've added quite a few squash recipes to my repertoire. I guess what I hate is shorter days that feel longer, a slimy gray fog that seeps into every nook and cranny of my psyche, and (if I'm being truly honest) that ubiquitous pink.

I'm trying something new-ish this October (well, this week for starters...baby steps) in order to put off that seasonal cloud: doing one thing at a time. It's not revolutionary. It's not even an original idea--I found it here. I started playing this "game" on Monday--one where I do the one thing I'm doing as best as I can, then I do the next and the next. I'm not always winning at this game, but I'm playing. And I've found (so far) that when you do the things you do, you feel pretty good. Even when it was just sweeping the floor or brushing my hair--I swept the crap out of that floor and brushed my hair like I was Rapunzel herself.

Mindfulness won't necessarily vanquish seasonal depression, but it will hopefully keep me mentally aware enough that I can continue on with my life without letting the fog take over. As I reach my third year in this apartment, at my job, and with my boyfriend (a lot of things happened in the fall of 2011!), I'm realizing that my current living situation is the first one post-high school that's lasted longer than a year (or a semester). Since 2006, I haven't existed in one place without going through some sort of transition every few months.

I've come to embrace transitions as periods where I can shake things up a bit, do a little mental housecleaning, and feel like I'm improving myself--even if all I'm really doing is sweeping my "stuff" under the proverbial rug. After three years with no natural transition, I'm finding that it's gotten a little crowded under said rug. What I mean is: I'm not used to sitting with this stuff.

My first inclination was/is to pretend it doesn't exist. I'm awesome at denial. If that doesn't work, I'll force a transition by rearranging a room, signing up for a fitness challenge, joining a writing-centric blog community, or jumping from one experience high to the next. None of these things are bad in and of themselves, but when the excitement wears off, I enter robot mode until I can find something new. Not this year. I hope that by making my neuroses public, I'll hold myself more accountable for them.

So:
I'm not going to let stuff get in the way of my stuff.
I'm not going to pretend my stuff doesn't affect those around me.
I AM going to look at my stuff, live with my stuff, and deal with my stuff.

Thanks for reading as I figure out what my life is!