26.5

I've been feeling my age lately.
That is, I've been feeling young: restless, stuck, inexperienced, excited, and juvenile.
And I've also been feeling old: settled, worn out, stale, confident and senile.

That's a lot of (contradicting) feelings, but they're all living inside me this week. Today especially (on my half birthday, which is a thing that's important to kids with summer birthdays, as that's when you get your birthday cupcake at school). While I'm still in my mid-twenties, it's not hard to imagine being 27, 28, 35. Then again, I can also imagine with great clarity how I felt at 22 - because it doesn't feel like that was very long ago.

The author of this article shares a few of my thoughts, especially when she writes,

26 is a strange age that simultaneously feels older than you expected, but still refreshingly, hopefully, thrillingly young. It’s possibly the one age where the expression “youth is wasted on the young” holds no authority; we are undeniably, wildly young, but we’ve been young for long enough to know how valuable it is to be so. We have more respect for our youth because, while we aren’t there yet, we can see that it will be done one day. I mean, weren’t we just 19? (Jessica Blankenship, "What Happens When You Turn 26")

And on that note, I'd like to reclaim my youth - or at least the good parts. Yes, age is coming, but for right now I'm a baby-faced 26-year old who knows a thing or two but wouldn't mind learning some more. If you need me, I'll be reveling in free time and a general lack of responsibility (read: children). It's good to be young.

What Being Hispanic Means to Me (Guest Post!)

Yesterday was the beginning of Hispanic Heritage Month, which goes from mid-September to mid-October in order to encompass the independence days of many Hispanic countries (Mexico's is today). Since I already shared a bit about being German-American, I asked Jesus if he would answer the same questions about being Hispanic. I didn't coach him at all (as in, I simply asked the question and let him interpret it on his own) and he didn't see my answers before he shared his experience, so I did make a few changes/additions to questions for clarification. I think the differences in how we answered are interesting, and though I wasn't surprised by his answers, there were a few things I expected him to say that he didn't.

[Disclaimer] This is Jesus's personal experience and is in no way meant to speak for Hispanics/Latinos/Mexicans/Puerto Ricans/Mexican-Puerto Rican-Americans as a whole. I wanted to hear more about his views on ethnicity and I thought a guest post would be a fun way to start the conversation. If you want to learn more about Hispanic and/or Latino culture in general, talk to more people/read some books/travel. This blog is personal, and he can only speak for himself. [End Disclaimer]

Do you identify as Hispanic-American? No.

What do you identify as? Plain old Hispanic or Latino.

What's the difference? Saying that I'm Hispanic-American implies that I'm not whole unless I'm American [as well] and I don't feel I need to add the American to my Hispanic. I can be Hispanic without being American in that same way that I can identify as American [without being Hispanic]. I can identify as American or Hispanic. They can be separate. They don't have to be the same thing.

What parts of you/your personality do you attribute to being Hispanic? Having a mother who speaks Spanish and a father who is, well, 100% Puerto Rican...they raised me in a Hispanic fashion...with Hispanic customs and traditions. Living in America, I still picked up on "American" traditions on my own. They never tried to seclude me from American culture.

What does it mean (to you) to be raised in "a Hispanic fashion"? The food, the language, what was considered culturally acceptable (discipline-wise).

Is anything about you not Hispanic? My girlfriend. I fit Hispanic stereotypes pretty great, but I can fit American stereotypes as well. I'm also pretty weird in general, so...

How did you know you were Hispanic growing up? (Did you know?) Any family traditions? Things that set you apart from people you knew who were not Hispanic? Just the fact that I grew up among Spanish-speaking people and speaking Spanish with them. I was lucky enough to attend a pretty diverse school so I understood that there were differences between all the different kids and their families and upbringings.

What do you think people assume about you when they see you? Do you get tagged with Hispanic stereotypes? I've spent a lot of my grown up life having people be surprised to find out I was Hispanic. When I would say I was Mexican and Puerto Rican they would say, "What, really?" so I guess I didn't act/look Hispanic enough...I don't know what they thought I was.

Will you celebrate at all this month? If so, how? No, not at all. Not in the least bit. I actually hate the traffic and the parades.

What Being German-American Means to Me

German-American Day isn't until October 6th, but today marks the beginning of German-American Heritage Month. It stretches from mid-September to mid-October to encompass the most German-y festivals and traditions (according to several sources--the documentation isn't great on this). In any case, I wanted to take some time to share about my experience as a German-American, and how it's shaped who I am. (Today also marks the beginning of Hispanic Heritage Month, so I'll be bringing in a very special guest tomorrow to share his experience--I hope you're as excited as I am!)

[Disclaimer] This is my own personal experience and is in no way meant to speak for German-Americans as a whole. You'll understand as you read, but I would never claim my worldview as "typical" of my "people"--whether that be German-Americans, Wisconsonites, white people, rural people, urbanites, females, or any other groups I identify with. This blog is personal, and I can only speak for myself. [End Disclaimer]

Do you identify as German-American? Yes. I'm very clearly white. I have blond hair and blue eyes. My last name is Kaiser, for crying out loud.

Is there anything else about you that you attribute to being German-American? My family has been in the United States for more than a few generations and we're fully assimilated, so I can't say if my personality is "German" (nature/DNA/aligned with the majority of other Germans) or just how I was raised (nurture/shaped by my family and environment). Things like my stubbornness, thrift, snark, and penchant for argument definitely fall under the German stereotype umbrella. It's also nice to be able to say, "Yeah, I follow rules and enjoy order--I'm German," and to explain myself easily that way. I'm punctual. I like brats and pretzels and rye bread and egg noodles and sauerkraut. That being said, I'm definitely more American than German. I feel no natural camaraderie with German people, as if they were my fellow countrymen. (That might make me more German, actually, if the stereotype of German coldness/reservation is true.)

Is anything about you not German-American? I don't speak any German. I don't like beer. Or soccer--further proof I'm more American than German.

How did you know you were German-American growing up? Any family traditions? Things that set you apart from people you knew who were not German-American? Other a casual interest in my ancestry and my last name, I never felt German/German-American growing up. I think because where I grew up was very German/Polish, so I never felt apart from others. Much like being white, being German-American in central Wisconsin doesn't necessarily challenge you or make you think about who you are. My extended family drinks a solid amount of beer and we play traditional card games, but there was never a time where I was like, "OMG my family is so German it's embarrassing," because we weren't doing anything that different from anyone else I knew.

When I went to college I started to understand (or rather, understand more) that not all families valued structure and routine like mine. Moving to Chicago was even more of an eye-opener in actually experiencing how families are different instead of just a conceptual knowledge of the fact.

What do you think people assume about you when they see you? Do you get tagged with German-American stereotypes? I think my whiteness supersedes any other, more specific, stereotyping. From what I've heard from people who are now friends, when they first saw/met me they thought I was reserved, goofy, intense, prone to daydreaming, sarcastic, and (from my boyfriend) blond. All of these things are partly true part of the time, but they are in no way stereotypes based on my looks. (Except blond. Jesus learned quickly that I'm not the blond white girl he fantasized about growing up, but I think that's for the best in the long run.) When people learn about my German heritage, they say they understand me better.

Will you celebrate this month? If so, how? Probably not. I might drink a cider at some point? Like I said, I'm more American than German. If anything, I'll cook a German dish, write about it here, and be grateful for what my ancestors did for me.

Half My Life

Most days aren't that different from the day before--any changes are gradual--but today felt different. Definitely cooler. Grayer. A distinct shift from what yesterday and the past few months have offered. A good day for meditation and remembrance.

September 11, 2001 seems like a lifetime ago. For some people it is. For me, it's half a lifetime ago. I was in eighth grade at St. Mary's, but that morning I was at the high school for band class. We always turned the TV on when class was over and while we waited for our ride back to St. Mary's, so I wasn't really paying attention to what was happening. But then I was.

From now on, more of my existence will be post-9/11 than pre. And yet, I'm still surprised when a book I'm reading mentions September 11th, or when it in some way influences the plot. It seems so fresh still. I do the same thing every time--flip to the front pages to check the publication date. 2003. 2008. 2011. Last year. How long until September 11th feels like history instead of current events?

I know that's a loaded question, so I won't even attempt an answer. Instead, an excerpt from this letter written by Frank Culbertson, the only American not on Earth on September 11th:

"I know that we are on the threshold (or beyond) of a terrible shift in the history of the world. Many things will never be the same again after September 11, 2001. Not just for the thousands and thousands of people directly affected by these horrendous acts of terrorism, but probably for all of us....It's horrible to see smoke pouring from wounds in your own country from such a fantastic vantage point. The dichotomy of being on a spacecraft dedicated to improving life on the earth and watching life being destroyed by such willful, terrible acts is jolting to the psyche, no matter who you are."

15 Questions

Are you going to pick me up today?

Do you have your phone?

How did you do?

Can you wash these?

Are you ready to go?

What color is it?

Am I?

Do you see her much?

Can we go in here?

Will the snow kill my plants?

Rice or noodles?

What’s this for?

Anything?

What else?

Do you want this last one?

No, that’s yours, you take it.

(napowrimo prompt)

Happy Mad Hatter Day!

Remember the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland? His hat had a slip of paper reading "10/6" ... and thus, October 6th is now celebrated as Mad Hatter Day. A day similar to April Fools' Day, but more for celebrating/noting silliness.

Silliness of course being the very things our society regards as "normal," but are in actuality completely mad:

--bottled water
--gym memberships
--vitamin supplements
--frozen meals
--cartoon characters not wearing pants
--working more to afford things you don't need and can't enjoy anyway because you are always working
--why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
--shoes
--shoes designed to feel like you are not wearing shoes
--Crocs
--lotion
--swimming pools
--arm rests at movie theaters
--fancy ketchup
--the Easter bunny
--Donkey Kong
--the phrase "head over heels"
--child pageants
--plastic utensils
--Spam
--placemats
--sweater vests
--GoGurt
--country music

The list goes on. Let me know what other strange things we have been socialized to believe are normal!

Too Many Options?

The craziness continues! Tuesday morning I was up with the garbage truck. The Daley Home staff team left nice and early for our retreat at Camp Dewan in Burlington, WI. Eight of us fit into Big Goldie, one of the 11-passenger vans we have here and set out. It was a good time to get away from program and connect with each other outside of work.

The strange part was being back at Camp Dewan, without the rest of my MercyWorkers. I saw the poem we wrote for them when we were there in the fall, and all of our favorite hang outs (the fireplace in the lodge, the loft full of dead flies). Such a weird feeling being in such a familiar place with different people.

By Wednesday afternoon, when we were getting ready to head back to Chicago, it wasn't so weird--I really felt like I got to know my coworkers better. Back at Mercy, I went straight to Community Night, which was a transition event for Chicago area volunteers.

This event may have been more beneficial to me if I wasn't so tired from retreat and just wanting a shower and a nap. Honestly, it was absolutely overwhelming. This year was supposed to help me figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life and I'm only becoming more and more confused. I've come to realize just how many opportunities are out there and I want to do so much, I just don't know in what order or how or when.

So......instead I think I'll download some music, rearrange my room, read some books, and cook some comfort food. Standard operating procedure for me.

I might get lost, but I'll be home for dinner.

The conversations in the room quieted to a hush. The small woman took her place at the front of the board room. It didn't really feel like a board room, though. Multicolored candles sat on the mantel over a gas fireplace and the far wall was actually all windows, revealing a small courtyard. The fountain in the middle was off, wooden boards protecting it from the winter that still hadn't hit in early November.

I pushed the remains of my sandwich forward and held my Diet Coke as the woman began her talk. This lunchtime speaker series happened only in the fall and spring, and I didn't want to wait until spring to hear about the dynamic duo of faith and work, so that's why I sacrificed an hour of my day off. A day when I would usually sleep in (or not, maybe I'd wake up too early and wander around the apartment waiting for someone to hang out with), wear sweatpants all day, watch TV episodes online, and just generally recuperate until work again the next day. One day weekends get me like that.

No, instead I was up and dressed like an adult with a real job (okay, fine, business casual) attending an optional talk in a place I both lived and worked. An optional talk that resonated with most of my reasons for moving to Chicago in the first place. What this woman, Karen, was saying was that there is a difference between helping and serving. Helping is when one person has more than the other. More money, more resources, more something. Serving is a meeting of equals. Of two equally imperfect people both trying to figure out something--how to maneuver through life, the meaning of life in the first place.

There was more to the talk--a handful of pretty funny stories, totally relatable too, and a short discussion on what all resonated. I mean, of course faith and work relate directly to our work here. More than that, though, they form two opposite courses of action, ways to show the world what you believe and how you find God. And little by little, with the help of things like today, I'm bringing them together in my mind. That one dichotomy has tripped me up many times, but eventually I'll get it. Until then I just have to keep doing me, doing what I do, hoping it does good in some realm of this universe.

I've been long, a long way from here.

Even though my house is five blocks away from the tracks, the train whistle echoes in my room. There's not a lot between here and there to block the sound; even the low rumbling of the train travels across town to vibrate my window screen.

I love home, so why do I just want to crawl out of my window and run to catch that train? I shocked Grandpa the other night by saying I'd go back to Rome in a heartbeat. I'd be a damn fool to not want to go back, even after listing all the good potential this summer holds. [Why do I feel the need to add a disclaimer here? (I don't hate America.) Why can't I just say America annoys me sometimes, I'd rather live in a different country for a little while, and leave it at that?]

Maybe because my friends are all traveling to exotic places right now. Literally, right now. I'm throwing myself into arts and crafts projects that make Martha Stewart look like a hot mess, but mixed media Mod Podge can't compete with skipping the country. Outrageous singing in the car, Dead Sea mineral face masks, Tommy Boy, and Bailey's clothes/shoes don't even do the trick. I'm going to have to get serious here: we're talking blood drives, weddings and probably another vegetarian phase.

Texts from Drew

Rachel I miss you and
your tender kisses?

Where are you going?
Where have you
been? I do not
question kisses.

This One's Escaping Me.

One of the questions for this application asks me to describe a time when I've been wrong. I just can't think of one...

Does anyone else feel this way? Or am I just heartless?

Can you ever be totally sympathetic to someone, especially if you have no way of understanding their situation?

I wonder this a lot because, to be honest, I rarely sympathize (or is it empathize? I can never remember the difference between those two) with others. Yes, I listen to and care about my friends, but if they are going through something that I have no frame of reference for, I have a hard time understanding.

Which is probably why I usually don't go to others with my problems. If I don't understand them, why would they understand me?

Or, if I do ask for advice, it's just to gather a sort of survey of others' feelings. Then I go ahead and do what I want anyway.

disclaimer

Okay, just to make some things clear. I did/do not mean my last post to offend/discredit teachers or education majors in any way. I think that the idea of me teaching is just so foreign to me, I don't know how to describe this feeling that maybe it's what I'm supposed to be doing.

It's like growing up knowing that I'm not attracted to redheads. Not because there is anything intrinsically wrong with redheads, but just because I'm just not attracted to them. So I base all my dating experiences on that knowledge and come to find out I've somehow fallen in love with a ginger. Yeah, that sums it up. Growing up I just wasn't attracted to teaching; all of my higher education choices reflect the different path(s) I've chosen and yet I somehow still arrived at destination: teaching.

I promise I'm going to stop making a big deal out of this soon (though I'm not sorry that I am making such a fuss--I'm allowed to obsess about my future a little). Tomorrow I meet with a representative from career services so he should help me figure out if I'm at all suited for educating--and if not what would work better.

wasn't i supposed to write a paper tonight?

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
yes, they are either open or closed.

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
yes, sometimes.

3. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
they always come out so i've stopped tucking.

4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
negativo.

5. Do you like to use post-it notes?
i use them like a fiend.

6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
every now and then. most of the time we use our coupons.

7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
ew ew ew. that wouldn't end good either way.

8. Do you have freckles?
nope.

9. Do you always smile for pictures?
ugh...i always make weird faces. it's a little obnoxious.

10. What is your biggest pet peeve?
ignorance? but i'm a hypocrite.

11. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
not that i know.

12. Have you ever peed in the woods?
i'm sure it's happened.

13. What about pooped in the woods?
ladies don't poop.

14. Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing?
yes.

15. Do you chew your pens and pencils?
on occasion.

16. What kind of vehicle do you drive?
whatever kind people let me drive.

17. What size is your bed?
too tall.

18. What is your Song of the week?
anything by sufjan stevens.

19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
of course.

20. Do you still watch cartoons?
sometimes, yes...

21. Whats your least favorite movie?
alien vs. predator

22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
in my bank account. :)

23. What do you drink with dinner?
water. milk. more water.

24. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
no nuggets for me!

25. What is your favorite food?
gelato.

26. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
The Little Mermaid? Pride and Prejudice.

27. Last person you kissed/kissed you?
mom/dad before coming back to school

28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
nope.

29. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
nope.

30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
Friday night! to Marina.

31. Can you change the oil on a car?
in theory.

32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
nope.

33. Ran out of gas?
nope.

34. Favorite kind of sandwich?
i love me some nutella. or peanut butter and honey.

35 Best thing to eat for breakfast?
banana pancakes.

36. What is your usual bedtime?
usually before midnight. i'm getting old.

37. Are you lazy?
i'm never too far from it.

38. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
princess. witch. princess. crayon? princess.

39. What is your Chinese astrological sign?
i have no idea.

40. How many languages can you speak?
fluently? one.

41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
nope.

42..Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
legos all the way.

43. Are you stubborn?
you better believe it.

44. Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
Letterman, actually.

45. Ever watch soap operas?
ugh. no.

46. Afraid of heights?
not really.

47. Sing in the car?
yes.

48. Dance in the shower?
i have done this.

49. Dance in the car?
aaaa...yes.

50. Ever used a gun?
no.

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
senior photos? summer 05...dang.

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
they have to be.

53. Is Christmas stressful?
it shouldn't be.

54. Ever eat a pierogi?
no?

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?
cherry.

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
ballerina. something that allowed me to wear heels. doctor. gardener. taxi cab driver.

57. Do you believe in ghosts?
no, Mom calls them spirits.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
haven't i taken this quiz before?

59. Take a vitamin daily?
yes.

60. Wear slippers?
to class.

61. Wear a bath robe?
no.

62. What do you wear to bed?
whatever i fall asleep in...sweats usually.

63. First concert?
oh jeez...Skillet? Or Coldplay.

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
TARGET. always.

65. Nike or Adidas?
Converse?

66.Cheetos Or Fritos?
Fritos, yes.

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
sunflower seeds w/ shells.

68. Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?
i think so actually...

69. Ever take dance lessons?
yes. tap for a tiny bit and ballroom.

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
that's a weird question.

71. Can you curl your tongue?
yes.

72. Ever won a spelling bee?
in third grade.

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
i think so.

74. Own any record albums?
no.

75. Own a record player?
no.

76. Regularly burn incense?
no. candles.

77. Ever been in love?
i'm in love with Jesus.

78. Who would you like to see in concert?
Michael Jackson

79. What was the last concert you saw?
Ben Harper in Roma.

80.Hot tea or cold tea?
hot unsweet. cold sweet.

81.Tea or coffee?
yes!

82. Sugar or snickerdoodles?
sugar.....

83.Can you swim well?
yes.

84.Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
yes.

85. Are you patient?
um...most of the time.

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
DJ

87.Ever won a contest?
yes. a coloring contest.

88. Ever have plastic surgery?
no.

89. Which are better black or green olives?
i like both, in moderation.

90.Can you knit or crochet?
knit my first scarf this past week!

91. Best room for a fireplace?
the library room.

92. Do you want to get married?
yes.

93. If married, how long have you been married?
n/a.

94. Who was your HS crush?
Orlando Bloom, Anakin Skywalker.

95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
i might, on occasion.

96. Do you have kids?
no.

97. Do you want kids?
yes, i think?

98. What's your favorite color?
i have a lot of blue things...but i also enjoy a good red every now and then.

99. Do you miss anyone right now?
lots of people!

when i stay up late i have questions like this.

When did knowledge become a means to an end instead of the end in itself?