Sunday, January 13, 2013

Golden Globes 2013

I personally don't care about the Golden Globes--who wins, the dresses, the jewelry, the endless champagne (okay, I'm a little interested in that)--BUT I am super pumped to see what Tina Fey and Amy Poehler do as hosts. And because I am watching, I might as well jump onto the live-blog wagon (limo?) and give you a totally unbiased (let's be honest, I've maybe seen all of two of the nominated movies in all categories combined) description of the red carpet and the awards.

5:37 pm: I want to be watching the Texans/Patriots game, but unfortunately our CBS station is not working. A quick flip through the channels and I found the GG 1st Look. Red carpet interviews ("Who are you wearing?" as if the dresses ARE the designers), pre-recorded interviews, and showing us regular folk all the glamorous things we are missing out on (bedazzled dresses and steak and sea bass dinners).

5:38 pm: buzzwords: open back, clutch, nude, tweet, gorgeous, dashing, freezing (newsflash: it is currently in the 50' is NOT freezing on the red carpet), WHO ARE YOU WEARING.

5:40 pm: I've heard about Lena Dunham and her show Girls. Why is it on HBO? I want to watch it. Also, she really pulls off that haircut. I'm still flirting with the idea of a pixie-ish cut. Too afraid right now.

6:12 pm: Biggest dress trends: nude colors (looks good when you're tan, but those of us who turn sheet-white in the winter can't pull that off unfortunately), mermaid tail bottoms (to hide big feet?), cutouts (that's the trend I want to try), and FANCY.

6:17 pm: Tina and Amy look AMAZING. I love that their clutches are just props and are totally empty. They just went over the Golden Globes drinking game rules. Amy's final rule: "Just if you've had a tough week."

6:20 pm: Did George Clooney age to perfect silver fox status and then just stop? I don't think he's aged since I was 18.

6:23 pm: Jennifer Lawrence either has crazy heels on or she is just really almost awkwardly tall. Not a fan of her dress. Not a fan of Hathaway's dress either. Too many weird shapes on both of them! Makes me wonder what I would look like next to them...even weirder? Or possibly normal?

6:25 pm: That Velveeta commercial was spot on.

6:34 pm: I think Adele has one dress she wears to all awards. Whatever...I'm sure she could care less.

6:35 pm: Halle Berry. Wow, woman.

6:51 pm: Almost showtime. Brooke and I decided we would eat appetizers only for dinner.

7:00 pm: Tina and Amy still looking great. And being completely hilarious. Taking a break from blogging to listen.

7:08 pm: Kate Hudson: no. SO MUCH NO. Bradley Cooper: meh. Winner: Please don't set the bar for long boring speeches.

7:11 pm: I really like Kerry Washington's dress. And face.

7:17 pm: Wow Sam Fox looks like his dad.

7:21 pm: LOL. Those fake teeth. Julianne Moore kept her Sarah Palin hairstyle: muted beehive.


7:33 pm: They are letting redheads win a lot of these awards, no? Good for the gingers.

7:35 pm: Aaaaaaaand I believe the teleprompter is out. Homeland does have a lot of hype. Backed up by lots of awards, but still...I can't be bothered to watch.

7:45 pm: Yay Life of Pi! The music in that movie was dreamy and awesome.

7:48 pm: Skyfall...called it. Can I also call that Taylor Swift writes a hate song directed towards Adele?

7:55 pm: I want to be Tina and Amy's third bestie. We would get along SO well, I'm sure.

8:00 pm: I love that they have Bill Clinton introducing Lincoln. He's looking pretty good. Old, but good.

8:05 pm: Kristen Wiig is adorable. There's another woman I want to be friends with. Super real crush. WHY IS TOMMY LEE JONES NOT LOL'ING.

8:15 pm: Megan Fox you are married and just had a baby so stop acting like you are still super sexy we are all over you and your giant lips.

8:16 pm: Anne Hathaway stop being so dramatic and breathy we get it you are educated and have short hair and you have self-doubt like the rest of us AND ALSO YOU ARE FRIENDS WITH VALENTINO.

8:25 pm: Quentin Tarantino, are you drunk? Ugh I want to be invited to this party so bad.

8:27 pm: Lucy Liu, I love your dress mostly because of its pockets. Sweet braid too.

8:35 pm: Lea Michele, honey your leg looks amazing but your skin is looking a little orange. :/

8:41 pm: Is everyone else getting these sexy Target commercials? I don't understand. Cowboy mom changing diapers? Taming the bulls aka cuts of meat? Pinata filled with fruit snacks? Who are you selling to?

8:44 pm: Cheers to you, my friend. Bringing his glass right up on stage. And here I am drinking the rest of this Aldi wine out of the bottle.

8:47 pm: Booooooooo I was cheering for Wreck-It Ralph, not Brave for the Animated Film. Another redhead winner. I think that's enough of them, really.

8:50 pm: Life of Pi. Great book, great movie. Watch out for whales.

8:52 pm: Aziz Ansari will always be funny as himself, right along with Tina and Amy. And Julia, Zooey, and apparently Lena? I really need to watch Girls. Women are rocking the Globes.

8:59 pm: LOL again. Tina's jab at T. Swift, so appropriate. Take some time to figure yourself out, girl. Her jab at Robert Downey, Jr. also appropriate. I can't see him without assuming he is playing Tony Stark.

9:10 pm: Jodie Foster. You, my friend, are majestic. "I am not Honey Boo Boo Child."

9:21 pm: List of movies to watch: Moonrise Kingdom, Argo, Lincoln, Silver Linings Playbook...Golden Globes are stressing me out with all of these things I haven't seen yet.

9:30 pm: Christian Bale is that really what you sound like? Stick to Batman grovel please.

9:41 pm: Why are comedy and musical lumped together? Was Les Miserables the only musical? I'm awful at this Golden Globes stuff.

9:42 pm: ATTN: Winners. Accept that you WILL forget to thank someone and just get over it. Send the forgotten a nice card or fruit basket. Better yet, don't thank anyone during your speech, just say "Thanks" and get off stage.

9:47 pm: George Clooney and I would definitely be friends in another reality.

9:48 pm: ANOTHER REDHEAD. Jessica Chastain's hair/dress/lip color combo works, but the cut of that dress doesn't.

9:56 pm: For real, Target. Stop with the sexiness. Prenatal vitamins are not sexy.

9:59 pm: Lots of politics in the Best Picture nominees. And as Brooke says about the winner (Argo), "So many black clothes, no black people."

10:00 pm: I want to go home with Jodie Foster too! To hang out with Tina and Amy. I think the Golden Globes after party would be fun, but I wonder how many of the celebrities have to work tomorrow? Ugh the real world is such a downer.

Happy Golden Globes, everyone. Join me again for the Oscars?

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