My traditional blog post didn't make it to the official yeah write moderated grid this week. The editor suggested that I take my last three lines and go from there, truly getting at the heart of what I'm feeling this spring: something not as depressing as Depression, but not carefree either. A bittersweet unease of the unknown. A changing season, changing weather, changing daylight resistance to too much change. Melancholy.
The thing is, I don't want to write about that. I don't want to write about how in that brief moment after I wake up, but before I remember what day it is, I'm blissful. I don't want to write about how it feels to lose that feeling to the day and its responsibilities. I don't want to write about the cool, sweet scent of spring and how that takes me back to springs past: dreams deferred, insecurities bubbling, and uncertainties looming. I don't even want to discuss the silver linings and rosy sunsets: plans falling into place, the reasons for which everything happens.
No, Monday’s post had to be about what I want for myself, for the future. I had to get it down, get it out, let it exist outside of my head, and look at it from several steps away. The day after I wrote it, the cold returned, followed by another dumping of snow. My mood stayed upbeat, and I experienced a small victory: the weather doesn't control my every swing. I can feel positive in the chill when I have loved ones to look forward to, recipes begging to be cooked and tasted, and immersive books drawing me in. I can even have fulfilling days at work, days that remind me why I used to--and sometimes still--love this job, and why I’m not ready to go at right this moment.
Maybe I have a touch of the Fever, something a lot of us are experiencing right now. Maybe it has nothing to do with the feeling that I’m growing out of my job. Maybe I need a vacation, or a day off, or just a new pair of shoes. Maybe there is no explanation, except my insistence on over-analyzing every thought and feeling that filters through my brain.Whatever this feeling is, I don't want to write about it. I just want to sit with it, like the clumpy snow that stuck to the tree branches on Wednesday. I want it to plop its wet self down, then melt away like it was never there at all.
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I'm constantly asking myself why a season that should be all about potential just makes me feel dissatisfied.
ReplyDeleteRight? I never quite trust the spring, because winter is usually still lurking around somewhere. One day at a time, I guess.
DeleteI feel that right now. Sometimes you need to get it out and move on, especially in that place you describe. I am there right now, though the circumstances are a bit different.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm all for getting it out and moving on. Easier said than done, but once it's written I tend to think about it less!
DeleteI don't even bother submitting to the weekly grid. I know my writing would get torn a new butt hole. LOL totally not kidding. Moonshine all the way for me. I have been going through something that has taken me from arctic tundra to somewhere close to thawing out for spring. I doubt there will be any flowers this year but I'm looking forward to the summer and at least that's a start.
ReplyDeleteHaha! I don't mind editorial "love letters," but the Moonshine has always been good to me. Sometimes you get flowers, and sometimes it's just dirt. Either way, I'd rather be able to see the ground than have it covered by snow!
DeleteYeah, I realized the challenge grid was no longer for me when the reigns changed hands. Not bad at all, but its focus is just very different from how I write. I'm so happy the moonshine is here, so I can read everyone's posts and not worry about rejection. Constructive criticism is always helpful, but I think it's good to know your writing well enough that you want to keep your message intact. I'm glad you posted here :)
ReplyDeleteOh, and I also meant to say that I also get that melancholy feeling. Sometimes it's worse than a more intense feeling, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you stopped by to read! And yes, sometimes I'd rather just be angry or sad or something a little more concrete than just blahhh...but I guess those feelings are for winter and summer. Spring gets weird nebulous feelings.
DeleteI hear you on the melancholy. I'm with you and TriGirl. When I feel like that I wish my mood would just hurry up and morph into something more substantial that I can sink my teeth into. Depression with a capital D or Happiness or Relief or just... something besides "meh." Because what can you do with "meh?" It's just so, you know, "meh."
ReplyDeleteYep, there's not much you can do with meh...write about it is my go-to.
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